The Prologue, part 2: Rumination

1:35ish to 2:15ish am, December 31st 2009

There’s not really much in the world that can make you reflect like seeing your mama cry. Well, she didn’t really fully cry today, but kind of. For the past few months now I’ve been looking so forward to my adventure that’s happening in just a few days. I was having a late lunch/early dinner with her and family friends Susie and Allen, and as we were eating Mom spoke for a moment of how she’s “Gonna miss mah baby boy! He’s leaving so soon!” with just the faintest wet at the bottom of her eye. And it’s true. I’m departing Saturday the 2nd for San Francisco, then the 4th from there to Shanghai, the first leg of my trip. I’ve been telling lots of people over and over how much I’m anticipating my study abroad:


“Did you know that Chengdu has the Panda Research and Breeding Center?”
“Did you know that Chengdu is famous for its hot pot (huǒ guō, 火鍋), and that it has a special kind of pepper called huājiāo (花椒; literally "flower pepper") that gives the eater a special kind of numbness in the mouth from its spice? I can’t wait to eat it! I heard people sweat a lot when they do.”
“Yes, I’ll be studying Chinese for 3 hours a day. I decided to take the intensive language course because I want to learn as much Chinese as I can.”
“No, I’m not really into Asian men, which is too bad, because I’ll be swimming in them. But hey, you never know, right?”

And all the while I’ve been thinking of this study abroad as something distant, a journey in the misty future that is something that’s part of my soon-coming self, but not anything remotely affecting me in the now. But of course, even amongst the bustle of classes, school drama, and planning, there were many moments where I said to myself, Holy shit, it’s happening so soon. I’ll be on another part of the planet in only a few months, a few weeks, a few days... And of course, like any person excited for their future, I thought about myself first and foremost. This, I may add, should not be considered a bad thing. I think we should all have a period in our lives where we are excited and focused on developing ourselves as the person we wish to become, the one which, though perhaps never completely stable, will guide us as we move through life. The self which will relate well to the world and those who also inhabit it.

But still, I rarely stopped to think of those who I’m leaving. Of course, there is the rare exception of Kat, who trades sparring with me back-and-forth, me saying “Thank GOD I’m gonna be gone next semester so I won’t have to deal with your sass,” and her replying, “Thank GOD you’re gonna be in China. We all don’t want to see your face anymore!”

Oh, precious moments indeed! :) But then when I think of it, I’m leaving a lot of people behind for some time.

My friends that I’ve made at Pacific, and the 5 lovelies of Gilbert 305.
The professors who have taught me, in a way preparing me for my trip.
The kids I mentored for FYS in the Fall with Aaron Greer.
The Chamber Singers, who I’ve sung with for the past 2 ½ years.
My mother and sister, Ben the dog and Abby the cat.
My friends from high school who now study in Seattle, and elsewhere.

And it’s not just people that I’m leaving behind. It’s memories. The place of my birth, San Francisco, that perhaps more-than-coincidentally I’ll pass through en route to my new home in the Orient, seemingly guided there all-too-Occidentally by my interest in teaching English abroad when I graduate, the early recollections of being fascinated with the Hànzì of the Chinese language, and the happenstance that in the Fall of 2008 I was unable to take either section of Japanese 101, but the single section of Chinese 101 was perfectly and utterly available. And then there’s the place of my growth, that wild land of America.

And in these people, my birth place, the land, and my memories, where was I made? Where was my identity formed, and my path laid in smoky tendrils of possibility? And as I move on into a new place full of unexpected experience, a land of liminality, the old and the new, the Eastern and the Western, where will I fit? What will I discover and learn? Who will I be guided to become?

I guess it’s at these moments that we should realize how fortunate we are to be alive, and to have opportunities for the new, the strange, and the all-too-familiar stories of another place. It’s unnerving, and frightening, and very, very exciting.

And it’s a little less than two days that I leave the home where I’ve grown up, and start a journey that may alter and warp the me that I call myself.

ChengDo: Considering the future, embracing it, and consoling your teary mama.
ChengDon’t: Staying up ‘til 2:30am writing a blog when you have a very busy day tomorrow running errands and preparing for the New Year. But you know it’s worth it.